Thursday, August 31, 2006
was deciding whether to pon today anot
so yq smsed me in the morning and i told him i go to sch not for celebration but to play soccer.. haha
then rained so heavily.. dampened my mood.
anyway i went partly also becos i appreciate wat the teachers had done for us. the theme is rather interesting " superheroes" but just that it's the same as the zhenghua sch camp. so i believe it's the same gp of ppl organising.
celebration ended early and i decided again whether to cross over to visit my sec sch. so in the end i went.
and i told yq that everytime i step inside this sch i have a very weird feeling. the feeling of not working hard enough. the feeling of underperforming. the feeling of regrets. the feeling of letting my parents down. well... perhaps i am the onli 1 feeling this way. and perhaps i have a very high self-esteem.
so i went back and managed to see 2 teachers. i didnt regret making the trip down there, since it's so near and since it's nice having a casual chat with teachers. and since it's probably the last time i will visit them. it's like how u stop visiting yr pri. sch when u reach jc.
jc life hasnt been fulfiling for me. time just flies before i know it. everything seems like yesterday.
i realised i've nv changed. personality cant be changed yeah? still as slack. still gg late for sch often. still nv put in effot for my studies. it's quite scary to know that personality dun change. haha... like i get very easily distracted. i cant stop complaining about my own sch. i keep saying about how depressed and sad when i got into this sch. i mean these things realli haunt me lah...i just cant put them down. it's time to forget them and move on.
so i spoke to my form teacher also my chinese teacher about my studies, results. and realised how hopeless i am. and everyyear i go back i will tell her about how lousy my O level results was and tt was how i landed elsewhere. and i hate telling ppl about my results. about how i only managed to pass 1 sub and failed the rest. about how my results deproved so much since last year
when ppl started studying and putting in consistent effort so long time ago. when ppl are 80% ready for prelims while i am still only 20% ready. when ppl had written so many econs essay and i wrote less than 10. when ppl have very good foundation and mine is so weak. isnt it scary?
i hate it when ppl say they got good results becos of luck. i hate it when ppl lie that they slack alot. i hate it when ppl say they havent do their prelim papers and stuff when i didnt even complete my tutorials. my situation is 100 times worse than most ppl okay. so stop compaining infront of me. or perhaps u all want to let me know how slow i am.
so i managed to see mrs chua, i must say she's the best chemistry teacher i have seen. and she expects discipline from her students. and those late comers had to hop to their seats. and we had to sprint to her lessons, realli sprinting.. haha.
i had a long chat with her, i have no idea how long the chat lasted. i dunno whether she remembers my name but at least she remembers wat class i was from. i felt quite paiseh chatting with her for so long cos a gp of ppl crowded around me and her waiting to wish her happi teachers' day. so as usual i told her about my situation now. how bad and failure a student i am. how bad my results are. arrgh.. well, she taught me lots of valuable things which i shall not elaborate. but i would like to express my gratitudes to teachers who lend a listening ear to me as well as advices to me. i think hers are the best and i shall follow her advice. time is running short esp for me. when the whole sch pop is so prepared for prelims ( at least much more than me), there is a person struggling. and this person hopes to settle down and concentrate on this studies. and this person hopes he will not get distracted by anything from now onwards and move on.
happy teachers day!
(just some of my true feelings)
3:00 pm
